La Révolution Ne Sera Pas Télévisée

It will be written. Or technically, blogged.

My own personal revolution, of course. Though if you want to talk about the ridiculousness that is the health insurance reform debate, feel free to comment, even if the proposals aren't all that revolutionary.

No, I'm in a crazy, stressed place (at least momentarily), but it's a temporary stop on a path truly forward. I'm mostly on top of the job search. HoCo is rolling along splendidly, so well that Jordan and I should probably step back and let others come forward. Classes, though not perfect, are going better than last year. I don't get to see my graduated friends as often as I should, and I don't stay in touch with my family that well either. And though the stress builds up. intensely at times, I don't ever feel like it won't get better. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I've seen it, even if I lose sight of it from time to time.

PS. I've joined Kuumba, a gospel-ish choir at Harvard, woo!

Today Is the Day

I get my butt in gear. Classes are picked out (Literature and Sexuality, Gender and Performance, Intermediate French, and the Constitution and the American Political System). Books are (mostly) bought, schedule is getting filled in. And, in an odd twist on the usual, fun is being had. True, it's a lot crazier than I remember the first week back being, but 2am bedtimes come after productive HoCo work or life-planning, and soon, reading and paper-writing. Whatever comes after Harvard ends for me in 4 months, I know I can face it head-on, arms-wide-open. My future finally feels like I have control over it, like He has control over it. It feels like today is the day.

And So It Begins (Again, but For the Last Time)

Back at Harvard. Just a week shuttling between Tucson and Bayard was far too short, but it was good to see my family. I thought starting HoCo planning in July would ease the workload, but no, the craziness has begun in earnest. But I'd be lying if I said the stress-caused adrenaline doesn't thrill me, until it kills me. Also on the to-do list, make some money (because Paolo is expensive), find a real job, and, oh yeah, get good grades. But I feel confident this time around. Maybe it's a false sense of confidence, because it's my last semester, but I have faith in myself, and that's been missing for a while. It's gonna be a great 4 months!

Slippage

Widener has turned out less well this week, but as always HoCo provides a bright spot. We've begun planning, and it seems that even though school is still 3 weeks away, the spark from last semester might still be there!

Living in Medford has been a blast, so much that even though I hate Boston winters (and probably will even more if I have to pay for heating oil), staying here after graduation is a top preference (maybe above New York, but not Spain). Of course, post-graduation plans require one thing, a job. And with this economy, who knows where that will show up.

And slippage, well, that refers to my confidence, which is slipping away after an unfruitful weekend in Provincetown (yes, I am that gay).

Finals Stress and Gayness

[Sorry in advance for another sentimental, not too sensical post about stress.]

At my Lev library shift today, I had a minor panic attack. I have 3 finals in a row starting Monday (morning, afternoon, then Tuesday morning), and I'm nowhere near prepared for any of them. To complicate things, I had thought I'd be done with major HoCo responsibilities, but I've learned since formal that as co-chair, your responsibilities are never done. Fortunately, Jordan, my co-chair, is so awesome. But there are still those 3 finals and study guides to write, read, and memorize, and while I won't fail (knock on wood), after turning in papers 4 days late for 2 classes, I need to do well to bring up my GPA, which is horrendous right now. Other things I have to take care of, but have pushed off until after my finals include preparing for the arrival of 10 family members for commencement, figuring out how I'm going to survive in Argentina without going totally broke, and, of course, trying to make the most of the little time I have left with my friends who are graduating (really, where did senior year go?!)

But that's all peripheral to a deeper tempest within: a near identity crisis. Am I too gay? Too flamboyant? Too "femme"? Normatively, I know I shouldn't be offended by any of those things. But here I sit boyfriend-less, scouring M4M personals and striking out on dating sites (really more like hook-up sites), and I can't help but think that if I were less "gay", I'd have a boyfriend by now. And I debate whether my flamboyance is an act or a natural expression of who I truly am. Because I can turn it off when I'm at home, and don't want to attract too much attention to myself when I'm with the uber-religious grandparents/father. But here at Harvard, I get into a zone where I'm comfortable letting out the "oh honeys" and "girlfriends" and sashaying and other "stereotypically gay" verbal and physical expressions and mannerisms. But still, those are conscious, not unconscious, decisions. My friends harmlessly tease me when I do something "gay", but I don't think they always realize that I made a conscious choice to do it, most often to get a laugh out of them.

So I can "tune it down", but should I? Would I be happier, even if it helped me get a boyfriend? Because if the only reason he consented to go out with me was because I locked away the tiniest hint of femininity behind a "neutral" facade (because I can never be truly "masculine"), I'd always be on an edge with him, constantly policing my every thought, word, and action to not let anything "gay" slip. Could I live like that? Would it be worth it? I would say no, but neither am I completely happy with the present course of action. So, what to do?

Welcome to My Party

Vindicated, validated, and verified - Leverett is the best house ever.

HoCo put on an awesome formal (over 500 people showed up, more than twice as many as the previous most-successful formal). The praise has been overflowing, and quite frankly, we deserve it. We put in so much sweat and tears (and yes, sometimes blood), to prove that we had enough resources, creativity, vision, and dedication to make an in-house formal even better than it would have been at Top of the Hub. Who can complain about absolute classiness and a $15 open bar? Was it perfect, of course not. But it was damn near close, and for as long as I keep my sanity, I will remember Casablanca.

Here's looking at you, Lev.

Super Procrastinated

I turned in a gov paper 4 days late. We'll see what the penalty is. I'm currently writing a paper due at 4 this afternoon, with only one source entirely read....5 years ago or so. French homework I've put off for two days, as well as missing three days of class in a row and totally screwing up the oral final, and not studying for the written final in 5 days. Plus, I have 3 3-hour finals in 2 days.

What can I focus on? Formal. After a kind of rocky start to the semester, a financial flop at the 80s, and months-old controversy surrounding formal, I am determined to make Casablanca the best formal Leverett has ever seen. Now if only crises would stop popping up every few hours. Oh well, character through adversity, I guess.

Bright spot - My family's coming to Harvard for the first time in less than a month!

Failure

So this is what failure feels like. Last night's 80s Dance did not go as well as it usually has, and true, there were a lot of extenuating factors beyond HoCo's control (economic calamity, pre-frosh born after 1989), but as co-chair, I feel I bear, or should bear, a lot of the blame. I feel like a failure.

Slipping Through My Fingers

As usual, I'm writing this as a way to procrastinate on my 6-page paper due tomorrow. This weekend, besides being as unproductive as all the others, took a turn for the worse when I started flaking out on my friends and HoCo. I love both of them; they give extraordinary meaning to my time and purpose here at Harvard. But something in me would rather waste time on the internet, or sleep, than go to Drag Night or plan formal. And the worst part is I'm losing time with most of my friends who, unlike me, will not be returning for a semester. There is less than 2 months to spend with them, and a well-balanced person would do his homework so he can fit in HoCo responsibilities and find time to hang out with his friends. But if the take away point from this year-old blog is that I'm not a well-balanced person. And the time to change that is slipping through my fingers.

Birth of a Politician

So apparently, one of my HoCo co-chair campaign promises was to have Leverett spring formal at Top of the Hub, a restaurant on top of Boston's tallest skyscraper, the Prudential Tower. I was intrigued by this option last semester, when Lev joined Quincy, PfoHo (with whom we won Risk two years ago), and Cabot (who just tags along with PfoHo?) to have formal in a tent in the quad. It was a cheaper option that saved us a lot of money, sold out, and though not perfect, was a pretty damn good party.

Which is the stage for the current debate. This semester, Top of the Hub is again an option for formal. Tickets would be $30 and a cash bar only (where drinks are at least $8). Or, we could do something that's never been done before, have a multi-venue formal in our own house, for half the cost of Top of the Hub. While Top of the Hub does have an amazing view, and experiencing formal there for $30 is basically a steal, the arguments for Lev courtyard formal won me over both personally and as co-chair.

I think our Old Library, as a former HoCo member said, is one of the best kept secrets of campus party spaces. An elegant tent looking out over McKinlock's beautiful view of the Charles would be almost as good as Top of the Hub. And the cheaper price means a more diverse set of Leverites would come out. Plus, open bar.

In short, I'm reneging on a campaign pledge. It's sad what a politician I've become.

Where the Heart Is

As you can tell from the blog's title, I often think (some may say obsess) about home and what it means. Another cliche I might have used is "home is where the heart is." I often found that a profound, if unrealistic, statement. Most of us search our whole lives trying to find the people, and eventually, the special person, who complete and fill our hearts with so much love. Home, however, is a ready-made place for most of us. I am extremely lucky that I have a family so loving. They may not ever fully accept that I'm gay, but for the sake of that love, they are willing to at least ignore it and shower me with every other kind of support and encouragement.

Which is why I miss home so much this break. Thursday was a roller-coaster day of emotions. Yes, every bit of Rising Rabbits was an awesome experience and so much fun. But in between those high points came deep valleys of midterms and other academic setbacks, enough to discourage me from the progress I made last semester. Academically, I fear I find myself in the same place I was before I took time off; missing class to catch some sleep; needing it not because I stayed up late studying, but rather procrastinating on the inter-tubes. Going home for spring break may have recharged my batteries like going home for a semester did. But sadly, I'm stuck here, mostly by necessity, to work at Widener and earn some money. I also have a lot of work to do, like finishing my personal narratives for the foreign service process, catching up on the immense amount of reading I let slide, and still trying to make HoCo even more awesome.

I still love Harvard; both for the opportunities and because the people here are beyond amazing, and my friends are the best example I have of such awesomeness. But back in some small New Mexican town is where my heart is.

Loving These Crazy Times

The world's going to shit, but I'm having a swell time nonetheless. HoCo is amazing, my friends are great (my roommate since freshman year just turned 21!), and, some really good news: I PASSED the FSOT...YAY! Now I have 3 weeks to write a "personal narratives" which is basically 5 3000 character essays about how awesome I am and includes people to vouch my awesomeness. After that, they check to see if I lied/realize how I awesome I really am and then (hopefully), I get an invitation to take the Oral Assessment, which is an intense day-long interview. And on top of it all, I have classes with tons of reading and papers and midterms until Spring Break, along with a major HoCo commitment (Freshman Housing Lottery Day, woo!). Craziness. But I really am loving it!

Thanks Lev!

At Harvard, sophomores, juniors, and seniors live in houses, Harry-Potter-style. Houses function not just as dorms, but can really become communities of great friends. Leverett House has become that for me, and being on the House Committee (HoCo) that runs social life at the house has only made my Harvard experience better. Tonight, I got the chance to give back to HoCo and Lev.

Thank you to all my Lev friends who voted for me for co-chair. I ran with two amazing candidates and great friends, Jordan and Simin, who are really awesome people, nice, kind, and so much fun. I wish circumstances had been different and somehow we could all be co-chairs, but I know Jordan and I will have a successful year as co-chairs and make Lev the best house at Harvard!

Lev love!

ps. Another example of why I have the most amazing friends in the world. Thanks Izzy!

New Results!

PS. Leverett Formal (Menage a Quad) was amazing. I love being on HoCo!