Yes, It Was All Part of a Plan

Slow-blogging, let's blame my lack of verbosity on that. Much as I would like to say the time-lag between posts is a conscious effort to only blog after deep thought and meditation, that would be lying. In truth, I can count the times I truly thought deeply before writing something on one hand. I blame Harvard. But actually, I blame my bad, procrastinatory habits. Leaving papers for the last minute (a constant theme here no doubt familiar to you dear constant readers) left me no choice but to think quickly, and often incompletely and shallowly.

But now, in my post-college wilderness of free time, I find myself looking back, and concluding I actually did cheat myself with all my procrastination. What did I gain by sacrificing thinking and writing time to refresh a web page just once more? Next to nothing. And honestly, though some friends evinced amazement that I could actually leave papers to the night before and then hammer out some BS that could still get good-enough-though-not-great grades, I feel I am facing the consequences of four years of that kind of work ethic. Which is why I sit here, feeling like I'm a welfare queen, albeit one with an Ivy League diploma, jobless, and increasingly, feeling so confused about my future. Which reminds me, I should get back to my Foreign Service personal narratives. Ciao possums.

1 AM Blogging

Ok possums, it's technically only 12:30, and wiser, more insightful words might be said (or typed) at a more reasonable time. But rationality hasn't been a strong suit lately. Still, it's spring, and with it comes green shoots. So, without further ado, the updates in my life: fellowship interviews have gone well and I should be hearing back in a few weeks. I made it to the next round of the foreign service officer process. This was the part I didn't pass last year, but it's been a year of great experiences (thanks HoCo!) that will make these "personal narratives" even more awesome (I hope) and get me to the oral interview part where I can wow them with my in-person charm and brilliance (and if that doesn't work, don't think I wouldn't sink to Monica Lewinsky levels). Also, routine gymming and M's ruthless insistence on healthy eating means I check myself out more in the mirror. Narcissistic? Maybe a little, but it sure beats my previous bouts of low self-esteem. Yes, so even though my comfy Widener job is ending this week, and don't know what exactly I'll be doing Monday, it's an interesting time in Isaac-land (long-lost friends, please come visit!). Plus all these essays I get to write means I'll have many opportunities for deep introspection. Stay tuned...

On the Near Future

Countdown to New Mexico - 4 days

Something about scraping by on library assistant wages makes home seem even more welcome than before. Walking through the yard after work made me realize how much I still need to grow up, so I spent 2 hours in the Science Center "researching" jobs. Moral of the story: I'm afraid I'm fucked. And I'm afraid I don't really comprehend just how much I'm fucked. It is an unknown unknown!

New time-biding plan : Find a secret Harvard fund to pay for a White House internship in the spring. So as I try for the Foreign Service a second time, I will either have a job or work for Obama; win-win?

Ultimatum to Self

So many thoughts running through my head, but it’s after 5 and I have to be at work in 4 hours! Perhaps I’ve been reading too many “far-left” blogs tonight, but I’m enraged. I’m enraged at what the Republicans/Far Right are saying about Sonia Sotomayor as they try to stop her from sitting on the Supreme Court. I’m outraged that Ben Nelson gets to call himself a Democrat though he won’t support a public option for health insurance or direct student loans from the federal government. For that matter, I’m outraged at a lot of Senate Democrats who won’t back progressive legislation because it’s politically “inexpedient” and “it takes 60 votes to do anything”. Memo to Senate Democrats: It only takes 50 votes to pass something, you can make the Republicans filibuster (I’d really like to see them talk for hours on end about why we should continue to increase global carbon levels at unsustainable rates, or why universal healthcare is a bad thing, or how exactly we are going to pay to clean up their mess--God forbid we raise taxes!). Yes, you can. You just don’t want to, and I’m willing to bet it’s because you love your job more than the people you represent, you love the money you get from your corporate/rich donors more than the best interests of the other 99.9% of Americans. I’m outraged.

I’m also outraged at myself. I’m mad that I didn’t make it to the next round of the Foreign Service process. I can only blame myself. I’m mad that I let really good grades at the beginning of the semester slip through my fingers, turning in 2 papers days late and not studying for the finals until the last minute. I pulled through, thankfully, with still-decent grades. But I’m not willing to settle anymore, not willing to say “oh well, maybe next time Isaac” or “at least I got a B”. I’ll still have my fun, but I won’t pass off my responsibilities. I can’t. I still have ambitions that 4 years of Harvard haven’t beaten out of me. Sonia Sotomayor got summa cum laude at Princeton. It’s far too late for me to get that here (not even cum laude, sadly), but that doesn’t mean I surrender to the voices I’ve heard around me and in my own head, that I’m an “affirmative action” pick, that I don’t deserve to be here, that I took the place of more qualified (white) people. I’ve surrendered for way too long, I’ve cowered behind my setbacks, allowing them to snowball into failures. But no longer. I don’t deserve anything from this life, it’s too capricious. But I know I can make something of myself. I may not be a genius, but I am smart enough to be at Harvard. I maybe weak-willed at times, but I didn’t survive a childhood of poverty to not gain any strength from it. I may be out of touch with my faith at the moment, but I don’t keep a bible on my nightstand in vain. I don’t express it often in words, but I return the love of my friends and family from the depths of my heart.

I don’t have definite answers, concrete steps to take, but I know there is an answer, I know there is a path ahead. And I refuse to stay on the ground, licking my wounds, fearing more. My outrage at the circumstances around me can change little, thought I will do the little I can to change things. The outrage at myself is a consequence of the consequences of my choices and actions. Those choices I can do something about. I can make different ones. I will make different ones. I won’t procrastinate. I won’t start papers or study for tests at the last minute. I won’t skate by on “decent grades” anymore. I won’t sleep when I can make better use of my time. I won’t rest on my laurels or expect future ones to come to me. I will chase my dreams, as wildly, yet thoroughly as I did in high school (as oxymoronic as that may sound). I will dream bigger dreams and plan accordingly. I won’t waste any more time not making memories with my dearest friends. I won’t wait for a man to rescue me, but I won’t shirk from the chances to meet him. I will tell my family everyday that I love them.

No more excuses, no more “maybes” or “tomorrows” or “laters”. It has to, and will, start now. This is a blog post for me, but wherever you are, whenever you read this, hold me to this promise in any way you can, but know if you don’t, that I do, and will continue to. These are bold promises, and I can’t say exactly what changed inside, as I’ve had this internal counseling session so many times before. All I know is that something is different now. I’m different now. I only have a semester left at the best university in the world, and I don’t want to waste it like I mostly have the last 7. I will take the fullest advantage of the road I have at my feet, like I should have done since the beginning, instead of psyching myself out. The old Isaac is back, hopefully with the old drive, but with the new attitude. And it’s good to be back.

Summer Plans, 2009 Edition

Mr. World Traveler is at it again; I'm going to do an internship in Buenos Aires, Argentina! Made possible by the David Rockefeller Center for Latin American Studies (DRCLAS) and the Office of International Programs (OIP). I'm getting $3900 in grants, woot!

I'll be working with CIPPEC, a non-profit, think-tank-like organization focusing on "growth and equity." Tiniest drawback is that I'll have to learn Argentine Spanish. I think this will be a fabulous opportunity, and hopefully will help me get into the foreign service.

Daily Accomplishments

Who knows, this might become a regular thing:

1. Finished Personal Narratives for the foreign service officer selection process

2. Got accepted for the DRCLAS internship in Buenos Aires this summer

3. Finished taxes

4. Almost through financial aid application

Left on the almighty to-do list? Finish cleaning my room, catch up on readings, and write an unexpected paper. Oh, and have fun; it's spring break after all!

Where the Heart Is

As you can tell from the blog's title, I often think (some may say obsess) about home and what it means. Another cliche I might have used is "home is where the heart is." I often found that a profound, if unrealistic, statement. Most of us search our whole lives trying to find the people, and eventually, the special person, who complete and fill our hearts with so much love. Home, however, is a ready-made place for most of us. I am extremely lucky that I have a family so loving. They may not ever fully accept that I'm gay, but for the sake of that love, they are willing to at least ignore it and shower me with every other kind of support and encouragement.

Which is why I miss home so much this break. Thursday was a roller-coaster day of emotions. Yes, every bit of Rising Rabbits was an awesome experience and so much fun. But in between those high points came deep valleys of midterms and other academic setbacks, enough to discourage me from the progress I made last semester. Academically, I fear I find myself in the same place I was before I took time off; missing class to catch some sleep; needing it not because I stayed up late studying, but rather procrastinating on the inter-tubes. Going home for spring break may have recharged my batteries like going home for a semester did. But sadly, I'm stuck here, mostly by necessity, to work at Widener and earn some money. I also have a lot of work to do, like finishing my personal narratives for the foreign service process, catching up on the immense amount of reading I let slide, and still trying to make HoCo even more awesome.

I still love Harvard; both for the opportunities and because the people here are beyond amazing, and my friends are the best example I have of such awesomeness. But back in some small New Mexican town is where my heart is.

It's My Birthday!

22, eek. I'm excited, I think I have a great year ahead of me. My weekend celebrations were the most fun I've had in a while, but that's because I have awesome friends.

I'm taking the Foreign Service Officer Test on Wednesday. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm good at taking tests, or at least I used to be. Wish me luck!

First Step Taken...

...towards a career, eek. I just registered for the Foreign Service Officer Test to join the Foreign Service, be a diplomat, and work for the State Department. Now I just to need to pass the whole rigorous process. I'll keep you posted!