The End Is Nigh

Hello possums. We're approaching the end of college life, and though still largely murky, the future is starting to take some shape. I have one last final (it would be gov, of course) and then I'm off to New Mexico for the holidays. After some hasty near-decisions, I have (temporary) employment (yay?) at ILL for a few months. As of yet, still no housing other than couch-surfing (if I haven't come begging yet, keep an eye on your email). But, as I was quite upset that I might not be on this side of the country (and thus, be far, far away from J) for what could have been a long while, I'm very satisfied with this turn of events. I'm sure the pay will be crap, and the work is quite tedious, but I'll be near and among my dearest friends in the world, a 4 1/2-hour bus ride to NYC, and have the time I need to figure out where I truly want to be and what I truly want to do, and when I want to do it. I won't have all the stresses that come with being a Harvard student (of which, academics are only the beginning). So, I'm facing post-college life with a bright smile, as my HoCo Secret Holiday Bunny wrote: "Keep being friendly and fun, because there are too many grumpy people in this world." So I will be. Much love and Merry Christmas!

I Should've Majored In...

Philosophy, or Literature, or History, or History and Literature. Basically, I should've been a humanities concentrator, because though I love politics, the ideas and theories behind political science can't compare with Freud and Foucault.

Today Is the Day

I get my butt in gear. Classes are picked out (Literature and Sexuality, Gender and Performance, Intermediate French, and the Constitution and the American Political System). Books are (mostly) bought, schedule is getting filled in. And, in an odd twist on the usual, fun is being had. True, it's a lot crazier than I remember the first week back being, but 2am bedtimes come after productive HoCo work or life-planning, and soon, reading and paper-writing. Whatever comes after Harvard ends for me in 4 months, I know I can face it head-on, arms-wide-open. My future finally feels like I have control over it, like He has control over it. It feels like today is the day.

And So It Begins (Again, but For the Last Time)

Back at Harvard. Just a week shuttling between Tucson and Bayard was far too short, but it was good to see my family. I thought starting HoCo planning in July would ease the workload, but no, the craziness has begun in earnest. But I'd be lying if I said the stress-caused adrenaline doesn't thrill me, until it kills me. Also on the to-do list, make some money (because Paolo is expensive), find a real job, and, oh yeah, get good grades. But I feel confident this time around. Maybe it's a false sense of confidence, because it's my last semester, but I have faith in myself, and that's been missing for a while. It's gonna be a great 4 months!

Ultimatum to Self

So many thoughts running through my head, but it’s after 5 and I have to be at work in 4 hours! Perhaps I’ve been reading too many “far-left” blogs tonight, but I’m enraged. I’m enraged at what the Republicans/Far Right are saying about Sonia Sotomayor as they try to stop her from sitting on the Supreme Court. I’m outraged that Ben Nelson gets to call himself a Democrat though he won’t support a public option for health insurance or direct student loans from the federal government. For that matter, I’m outraged at a lot of Senate Democrats who won’t back progressive legislation because it’s politically “inexpedient” and “it takes 60 votes to do anything”. Memo to Senate Democrats: It only takes 50 votes to pass something, you can make the Republicans filibuster (I’d really like to see them talk for hours on end about why we should continue to increase global carbon levels at unsustainable rates, or why universal healthcare is a bad thing, or how exactly we are going to pay to clean up their mess--God forbid we raise taxes!). Yes, you can. You just don’t want to, and I’m willing to bet it’s because you love your job more than the people you represent, you love the money you get from your corporate/rich donors more than the best interests of the other 99.9% of Americans. I’m outraged.

I’m also outraged at myself. I’m mad that I didn’t make it to the next round of the Foreign Service process. I can only blame myself. I’m mad that I let really good grades at the beginning of the semester slip through my fingers, turning in 2 papers days late and not studying for the finals until the last minute. I pulled through, thankfully, with still-decent grades. But I’m not willing to settle anymore, not willing to say “oh well, maybe next time Isaac” or “at least I got a B”. I’ll still have my fun, but I won’t pass off my responsibilities. I can’t. I still have ambitions that 4 years of Harvard haven’t beaten out of me. Sonia Sotomayor got summa cum laude at Princeton. It’s far too late for me to get that here (not even cum laude, sadly), but that doesn’t mean I surrender to the voices I’ve heard around me and in my own head, that I’m an “affirmative action” pick, that I don’t deserve to be here, that I took the place of more qualified (white) people. I’ve surrendered for way too long, I’ve cowered behind my setbacks, allowing them to snowball into failures. But no longer. I don’t deserve anything from this life, it’s too capricious. But I know I can make something of myself. I may not be a genius, but I am smart enough to be at Harvard. I maybe weak-willed at times, but I didn’t survive a childhood of poverty to not gain any strength from it. I may be out of touch with my faith at the moment, but I don’t keep a bible on my nightstand in vain. I don’t express it often in words, but I return the love of my friends and family from the depths of my heart.

I don’t have definite answers, concrete steps to take, but I know there is an answer, I know there is a path ahead. And I refuse to stay on the ground, licking my wounds, fearing more. My outrage at the circumstances around me can change little, thought I will do the little I can to change things. The outrage at myself is a consequence of the consequences of my choices and actions. Those choices I can do something about. I can make different ones. I will make different ones. I won’t procrastinate. I won’t start papers or study for tests at the last minute. I won’t skate by on “decent grades” anymore. I won’t sleep when I can make better use of my time. I won’t rest on my laurels or expect future ones to come to me. I will chase my dreams, as wildly, yet thoroughly as I did in high school (as oxymoronic as that may sound). I will dream bigger dreams and plan accordingly. I won’t waste any more time not making memories with my dearest friends. I won’t wait for a man to rescue me, but I won’t shirk from the chances to meet him. I will tell my family everyday that I love them.

No more excuses, no more “maybes” or “tomorrows” or “laters”. It has to, and will, start now. This is a blog post for me, but wherever you are, whenever you read this, hold me to this promise in any way you can, but know if you don’t, that I do, and will continue to. These are bold promises, and I can’t say exactly what changed inside, as I’ve had this internal counseling session so many times before. All I know is that something is different now. I’m different now. I only have a semester left at the best university in the world, and I don’t want to waste it like I mostly have the last 7. I will take the fullest advantage of the road I have at my feet, like I should have done since the beginning, instead of psyching myself out. The old Isaac is back, hopefully with the old drive, but with the new attitude. And it’s good to be back.

Two down...

...One to go. Finals, that is.

But, first, prayers for a speedy recovery to the victim of a shooting at Harvard this afternoon. As a friend was saying at dinner, with our budget being slashed, and now this, it makes us realize we aren't fully sheltered in Harvard bubble separated from the world.

Now, back to part of what I regurgitated for my American Foreign Policy final this morning. The New York Times reported that after meeting with the prime minister of Israel, President Obama (still can't get over that), has set something of a deadline for Iran to comply with his diplomatic overture.

After a delicate Oval Office session with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel, President Obama said Monday that he wants a positive response from Iran to his diplomatic opening by the end of the year and is keeping open “range of steps, including much stronger international sanctions” if it fails to respond.

As I learned in AmFoPo, the steps in "coercive diplomacy" are diplomacy -> threat of sanctions -> implementation of sanctions -> threat of force -> demonstrative use of force -> war, and for such diplomacy to be successful requires 4 things. 1) Absolute clarity of acceptable terms, 2) Sufficient domestic support, 3) Sense of urgency, and 4) The target state must be more fearful of escalation than you are. A state must also be willing and ready to carry out all threats made and diplomatic negotiations don't cease during escalation.

Obviously, with regards to Iran, we've jumbled up the process, which perhaps is why we haven't made much progress with them. Soon after our embassy was hijacked in 1979, we cut diplomatic relations (now conducted through the Swiss), skipping negotiations and the threat of sanctions and went straight to sanctions. Fortunately, for us, Iraq under Saddam didn't like the Iranians much either, so during their decade-long war in the 80s, we didn't have to do much to Iran. But with Saddam now out of the picture, Iran's relative power in the region has only grown, and now they feel they can safely pursue nuclear technology, which is their right as a sovereign country under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) if used for peaceful purposes (really only to generate electricity) of course, the U.S. and especially Israel fear they mean to develop a nuclear weapon, which is not their right. Of course, to resolve the situation (allowing IAEA inspectors to verify there are no nukes, or getting Iran to abandon uranium enrichment completely) without war, we need to know what they want, but without negotiations (thanks to Bush's stubborness), we don't know. And again, the graf makes it seem Obama is putting the cart before the horse, creating a sense of urgency and threatening escalation before knowing what our acceptable terms are and according to polls, without public support for what could be a military encounter with Iran.

Of course, further down

As for Iran, Mr. Obama said that he was keeping open “a range of steps, including much stronger international sanctions” for dealing with Iran if it proceeds with its nuclear program.

He said he hoped for progress on his diplomatic opening to Tehran by year’s end but added that he saw no reason to set any artificial deadline.

But maybe the Israel Lobby had them bury that down there.

Re-Grooming the Elite

Two pieces on the crisis everyone should read. Of note, Simon Johnson in the Atlantic article talks about breaking the elite, and points to the view of Goldman Sachs as a training ground for public officials, especially in the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve System. But a deeper trace of where this elite originates from would lead Prof. Johnson no further than down the street from MIT.

It angers/saddens/confuses me when I still see posts on email lists at Harvard touting careers in finance. For my first 3 years here, "I-banking" was the field to go into, trumping any other high-minded goals one may have had pre-college. Much ink/bits have been spilled on the debate over the "right" career course for a Harvard graduate might be, and I'll give the Crimson a lot of credit for that (even if I'm too lazy to link to anything right now). I hope a more substantive and definitive answer to that debate will come out of this crisis. I hope my peers will realize they have a moral duty to look beyond their future big bonuses and payouts, and instead of becoming the fresh recruits of a moribund oligarchy, become dedicated to using their intelligence to transforming the way Wall Street does business.

Where the Heart Is

As you can tell from the blog's title, I often think (some may say obsess) about home and what it means. Another cliche I might have used is "home is where the heart is." I often found that a profound, if unrealistic, statement. Most of us search our whole lives trying to find the people, and eventually, the special person, who complete and fill our hearts with so much love. Home, however, is a ready-made place for most of us. I am extremely lucky that I have a family so loving. They may not ever fully accept that I'm gay, but for the sake of that love, they are willing to at least ignore it and shower me with every other kind of support and encouragement.

Which is why I miss home so much this break. Thursday was a roller-coaster day of emotions. Yes, every bit of Rising Rabbits was an awesome experience and so much fun. But in between those high points came deep valleys of midterms and other academic setbacks, enough to discourage me from the progress I made last semester. Academically, I fear I find myself in the same place I was before I took time off; missing class to catch some sleep; needing it not because I stayed up late studying, but rather procrastinating on the inter-tubes. Going home for spring break may have recharged my batteries like going home for a semester did. But sadly, I'm stuck here, mostly by necessity, to work at Widener and earn some money. I also have a lot of work to do, like finishing my personal narratives for the foreign service process, catching up on the immense amount of reading I let slide, and still trying to make HoCo even more awesome.

I still love Harvard; both for the opportunities and because the people here are beyond amazing, and my friends are the best example I have of such awesomeness. But back in some small New Mexican town is where my heart is.

I Respectfully Disagree

So the Crimson's new FlyByBlog is sizing up all of Harvard's houses in anticipation of Housing Day on Thursday, when the freshmen will be sorted, sadly using computers instead of a singing hat. Unfortunately, the Crimson editors got their series off to a rocky start when they gave Leverett a BBB rating. The truly sad part is that the author of the Lev post actually lives in Leverett. All I can say is he and I haven't been living in the same house this year.

In other news, I have two midterms this week (tomorrow, and Thursday, FML). I'm getting a little exasperated with Gossip Girl, hopefully tonight's slightly-less-horrible-but-still-off-its-peak episode was the end of all those silly, pointless side stories, probably created just to give Chuck, Nate, and Vanessa something to do. What pissed me off the most was that Chuck's little "I have to find this really hot chick and save her" adventure seemed to have nothing to do with his character development after Bart's death. If I'm not gonna learn anything new about a character, these masturbatory sidetracks are beyond useless. Gossip Girl is my guilty pleasure, but the pleasure is increasingly hard to find. CW, take note.

If This Isn't Love, Then Tell Me What It Is

L-O-V-E? More like an obsession, or many. Unhealthy? Most likely. Going to end anytime soon? Most likely not. Again, head-over-heels obsessed with presumably straight men. It's not that I'm not attracted to gay men, it's that the gay men I am attracted to seem to not be attracted to me. It's a sad, sad conundrum.

In happier news, this week saw a significant improvement in self-discipline. After being so disgusted at myself for sleeping until 1pm on Monday, I've been awake by 9:30 most days; more than enough time to get to class. Now, my goals are to not waste my weekends. Because with all my HoCo responsibilities (which I love), I need to really structure how I use my time. Since my days are filled with class and work (I have 6 hours of class on Thursdays, ew), and my evenings largely are devoted to extracurriculars, the weekends are the biggest chunk of time I have to do my mountains of reading for this semester and, eventually, work on papers. Indeed, after my last semester was so surprisingly academically successful, I can't help but wonder what kind of grades I'll get if I actually start papers sooner than the day before they're due.

It helps that I have external incentives for maintaining interest in my classes and keeping up with the work . For Gov 1790: American Foreign Policy, the fact that this is basically what I hope my job will be (assuming the FSOT on Wednesday went well, I think it did) is a damn good reason to do the reading (I actually really like one of our books, can't put it down!) and write good papers, starting with rough drafts and seeking TF advice.

For Gov 1295: Comparative Politics of Latin America, though the material is interesting and taking another Latin America-themed course last semester prepared me well, the biggest reason for me to go to class is the extremely hot TF, who set off my gaydar when I saw him the first day of shopping period. That's usually a bad thing, unfortunately, because I have notoriously bad gaydar, but I'm foolishly optimistic still. We'll see how it plays out.

French is getting more difficult, but I'm still committed to learning it. I purposely blocked my schedule around my fall section because I have the best TF.

And my last class is a gen ed (called the Core at Harvard), Literature and Arts A-17 - Childhood: It's Literature, History, and Philosophy. Basically, we analyze many of the books I read as a child. How awesome is it that my favorite childhood book, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, is on the syllabus for this class?! Unfortunately, there are a ton of other books that I'm too poor to buy right now, so I'm quite behind on the readings. But as far required lit classes go, I think I ended up with a pretty good option.

So class and HoCo has been my life the past couple of weeks. My birthday weekend was a brief, but very welcome interlude. Next weekend I'll be senior staff for Harvard Model Congress, a U.S. government simulation for high school students. My first paper (AmFoPo) is due shortly thereafter. Busy, busy. But please, friends, feel free to distract me. Above all, you give my life meaning. And that's love. Happy Valentine's Day!

I Don't Wanna....

...go to school tomorrow. Harvard needs to give us a way longer break than just 5 days. In other news, I didn't get a State Dept. internship for this summer, but I did get off academic probation, yay! Somewhat surprisingly, it was my best semester since freshman year grade-wise. Hopefully this means I will get a job this summer. Fingers crossed everyone!

I Think It's Broken

My gaydar that is. Apparently my new crush really is straight. Why do I keep falling for straight men? Oh well, something else for me to work on.

In other news, one paper down (and 3 days late), one to go. Don't know how this one will go though, because my crush will be at a party tonight and I really want to go (ok I still have my doubts about his sexuality, sue me). Plus, election victory parties are always fun, especially when the other guy is such a douche. I'll let you all know how it turns out. In the meantime, I want a boyfriend for Christmas. Kthnxbai

UPDATE
F>>M Victory Party = total win, and I had way to many glasses (or Solo cups) of champagne. Yay for impromptu Monday night dance parties (I'm looking at you Nick Noyer)!!!

I May Have to Change the Name...

of the blog. At least for the weekend, since... I'M BACK!!! Just got back to Harvard this morning, and after a very low-key day (with a 5 1/2 hour nap!), I can say I definitely missed it. After hearing all I missed from J-Yan, Phil, and Christy, I can't help but wonder if I'd be any different a person than what I am now.

Taking time off was the most stress-relieving thing I could've ever done, and probably should have done it a whole semester earlier. Even though I had to take care of a lot of stuff for my internship, and was constantly worrying about things, like money, it was nothing compared to dealing with being on academic probation here, and having to take care of all that other stuff too. Not that I don't regret missing out on everyone's adventures, and foregoing my own adventures; but I believe I'm happier for spending 4 months with my family, even if it was in West Bumblefuck, NM. And since my Barcelona internship will be a very formative and informative experience, it's quite swell that I'm going into it happy and (relatively) stress-free.

So I'll keep you all informed of my exploits, and possibly sexploits, while here in fun ol' Cambridge. And of course, all my fun Barcelona updates will be here as well. I promise it won't be a repeat of my Madrid blog!

Come see me!