Slutty Farmer

Once again, I find myself doing crucial homework at the last minute, after wasting so much time procrasturbating and not fulfilling commitments to my work and extracurriculars. I rationalize it with arguments like "Oh, I had such a tough last week, with 3 midterms and 2 papers." Obviously, not dropping the ball on those means, hey, willpower, let's take a vacation this week. But I didn't even do my best on those big assignments because I'd been dropping the ball all semester, academically, extracurricularly, and employmentally.

How does it get better? It has to, if I'm going to have anything resembling a successful life. But I don't know where or how to go from here: to go from a serial procrastinator/flake to someone on top of his shit. And I'm not delving more deeply into this dilemma. Instead, I'm orienting my life around the next party (Halloween), planning my costume (slutty farmer), and obsessing over (another) straight crush.

Help?

3

I'm starting to fear I'm not really cut out for management consulting. And as the State Department already rejected me, I'm not sure how I feel about other government jobs. Fortunately, with all my job (and homework) woes, I have some bright side to look forward too.

La Révolution Ne Sera Pas Télévisée

It will be written. Or technically, blogged.

My own personal revolution, of course. Though if you want to talk about the ridiculousness that is the health insurance reform debate, feel free to comment, even if the proposals aren't all that revolutionary.

No, I'm in a crazy, stressed place (at least momentarily), but it's a temporary stop on a path truly forward. I'm mostly on top of the job search. HoCo is rolling along splendidly, so well that Jordan and I should probably step back and let others come forward. Classes, though not perfect, are going better than last year. I don't get to see my graduated friends as often as I should, and I don't stay in touch with my family that well either. And though the stress builds up. intensely at times, I don't ever feel like it won't get better. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I've seen it, even if I lose sight of it from time to time.

PS. I've joined Kuumba, a gospel-ish choir at Harvard, woo!

Finals Stress and Gayness

[Sorry in advance for another sentimental, not too sensical post about stress.]

At my Lev library shift today, I had a minor panic attack. I have 3 finals in a row starting Monday (morning, afternoon, then Tuesday morning), and I'm nowhere near prepared for any of them. To complicate things, I had thought I'd be done with major HoCo responsibilities, but I've learned since formal that as co-chair, your responsibilities are never done. Fortunately, Jordan, my co-chair, is so awesome. But there are still those 3 finals and study guides to write, read, and memorize, and while I won't fail (knock on wood), after turning in papers 4 days late for 2 classes, I need to do well to bring up my GPA, which is horrendous right now. Other things I have to take care of, but have pushed off until after my finals include preparing for the arrival of 10 family members for commencement, figuring out how I'm going to survive in Argentina without going totally broke, and, of course, trying to make the most of the little time I have left with my friends who are graduating (really, where did senior year go?!)

But that's all peripheral to a deeper tempest within: a near identity crisis. Am I too gay? Too flamboyant? Too "femme"? Normatively, I know I shouldn't be offended by any of those things. But here I sit boyfriend-less, scouring M4M personals and striking out on dating sites (really more like hook-up sites), and I can't help but think that if I were less "gay", I'd have a boyfriend by now. And I debate whether my flamboyance is an act or a natural expression of who I truly am. Because I can turn it off when I'm at home, and don't want to attract too much attention to myself when I'm with the uber-religious grandparents/father. But here at Harvard, I get into a zone where I'm comfortable letting out the "oh honeys" and "girlfriends" and sashaying and other "stereotypically gay" verbal and physical expressions and mannerisms. But still, those are conscious, not unconscious, decisions. My friends harmlessly tease me when I do something "gay", but I don't think they always realize that I made a conscious choice to do it, most often to get a laugh out of them.

So I can "tune it down", but should I? Would I be happier, even if it helped me get a boyfriend? Because if the only reason he consented to go out with me was because I locked away the tiniest hint of femininity behind a "neutral" facade (because I can never be truly "masculine"), I'd always be on an edge with him, constantly policing my every thought, word, and action to not let anything "gay" slip. Could I live like that? Would it be worth it? I would say no, but neither am I completely happy with the present course of action. So, what to do?

Super Procrastinated

I turned in a gov paper 4 days late. We'll see what the penalty is. I'm currently writing a paper due at 4 this afternoon, with only one source entirely read....5 years ago or so. French homework I've put off for two days, as well as missing three days of class in a row and totally screwing up the oral final, and not studying for the written final in 5 days. Plus, I have 3 3-hour finals in 2 days.

What can I focus on? Formal. After a kind of rocky start to the semester, a financial flop at the 80s, and months-old controversy surrounding formal, I am determined to make Casablanca the best formal Leverett has ever seen. Now if only crises would stop popping up every few hours. Oh well, character through adversity, I guess.

Bright spot - My family's coming to Harvard for the first time in less than a month!

Slipping Through My Fingers

As usual, I'm writing this as a way to procrastinate on my 6-page paper due tomorrow. This weekend, besides being as unproductive as all the others, took a turn for the worse when I started flaking out on my friends and HoCo. I love both of them; they give extraordinary meaning to my time and purpose here at Harvard. But something in me would rather waste time on the internet, or sleep, than go to Drag Night or plan formal. And the worst part is I'm losing time with most of my friends who, unlike me, will not be returning for a semester. There is less than 2 months to spend with them, and a well-balanced person would do his homework so he can fit in HoCo responsibilities and find time to hang out with his friends. But if the take away point from this year-old blog is that I'm not a well-balanced person. And the time to change that is slipping through my fingers.

Daily Accomplishments

Who knows, this might become a regular thing:

1. Finished Personal Narratives for the foreign service officer selection process

2. Got accepted for the DRCLAS internship in Buenos Aires this summer

3. Finished taxes

4. Almost through financial aid application

Left on the almighty to-do list? Finish cleaning my room, catch up on readings, and write an unexpected paper. Oh, and have fun; it's spring break after all!

Where the Heart Is

As you can tell from the blog's title, I often think (some may say obsess) about home and what it means. Another cliche I might have used is "home is where the heart is." I often found that a profound, if unrealistic, statement. Most of us search our whole lives trying to find the people, and eventually, the special person, who complete and fill our hearts with so much love. Home, however, is a ready-made place for most of us. I am extremely lucky that I have a family so loving. They may not ever fully accept that I'm gay, but for the sake of that love, they are willing to at least ignore it and shower me with every other kind of support and encouragement.

Which is why I miss home so much this break. Thursday was a roller-coaster day of emotions. Yes, every bit of Rising Rabbits was an awesome experience and so much fun. But in between those high points came deep valleys of midterms and other academic setbacks, enough to discourage me from the progress I made last semester. Academically, I fear I find myself in the same place I was before I took time off; missing class to catch some sleep; needing it not because I stayed up late studying, but rather procrastinating on the inter-tubes. Going home for spring break may have recharged my batteries like going home for a semester did. But sadly, I'm stuck here, mostly by necessity, to work at Widener and earn some money. I also have a lot of work to do, like finishing my personal narratives for the foreign service process, catching up on the immense amount of reading I let slide, and still trying to make HoCo even more awesome.

I still love Harvard; both for the opportunities and because the people here are beyond amazing, and my friends are the best example I have of such awesomeness. But back in some small New Mexican town is where my heart is.

I Respectfully Disagree

So the Crimson's new FlyByBlog is sizing up all of Harvard's houses in anticipation of Housing Day on Thursday, when the freshmen will be sorted, sadly using computers instead of a singing hat. Unfortunately, the Crimson editors got their series off to a rocky start when they gave Leverett a BBB rating. The truly sad part is that the author of the Lev post actually lives in Leverett. All I can say is he and I haven't been living in the same house this year.

In other news, I have two midterms this week (tomorrow, and Thursday, FML). I'm getting a little exasperated with Gossip Girl, hopefully tonight's slightly-less-horrible-but-still-off-its-peak episode was the end of all those silly, pointless side stories, probably created just to give Chuck, Nate, and Vanessa something to do. What pissed me off the most was that Chuck's little "I have to find this really hot chick and save her" adventure seemed to have nothing to do with his character development after Bart's death. If I'm not gonna learn anything new about a character, these masturbatory sidetracks are beyond useless. Gossip Girl is my guilty pleasure, but the pleasure is increasingly hard to find. CW, take note.

Remind Me...

That pulling all-nighters usually means I'm doing something wrong, not right. And yet, I take a perverse pride in my masochistic tendency to procrastinate until the very last minute. I may work well under pressure, but I hardly ever give myself the opportunity to learn if the reverse is also true. Could I work better, get better grades, if I started papers earlier? I hope so, because if I can only do work when running against a deadline, I'm in for very unbalanced life filled with sleepless nights and wasted days trying to recover.

Loving These Crazy Times

The world's going to shit, but I'm having a swell time nonetheless. HoCo is amazing, my friends are great (my roommate since freshman year just turned 21!), and, some really good news: I PASSED the FSOT...YAY! Now I have 3 weeks to write a "personal narratives" which is basically 5 3000 character essays about how awesome I am and includes people to vouch my awesomeness. After that, they check to see if I lied/realize how I awesome I really am and then (hopefully), I get an invitation to take the Oral Assessment, which is an intense day-long interview. And on top of it all, I have classes with tons of reading and papers and midterms until Spring Break, along with a major HoCo commitment (Freshman Housing Lottery Day, woo!). Craziness. But I really am loving it!

Countdowns

1st week of StickK commitment to exercise regularly:
1 workout down, 2 to go by Saturday

Finals
0 down/ 4 to go

Overall, not a very good performance rate, but oddly, I'm not too stressed about it. Maybe it's the endorphins from my run this evening, lol.